The Mark of

A Break, for Real

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 21:17:00 +0000

Well, I cleared out my User Page on VirtueVerse today. Definitely time for a break (I know I've said that before, but I was "meh" *before* i13). I've really been getting that feeling I was having off the game now like when I left Counter-Strike(Source, too). Just sorta fed up with all the whining on the different forums, the crap that people say and do just because the internet brings anonymity. Or maybe they are bitter people in Real Life?

I'm excited about WoW...

My boyfriend recently started playing World of Warcraft on my PC - Because his blew up about a month ago. Watching him play has made me want to play. Seeing all the characters, beasts and locations that I had previously seen only from a top-down view in the WarCraft RTS series is really exciting. He sent me a Free Trial Code so I'm going to give it a try. But I may wait until tomorrow to start a character. I feel like I should try to get to sleep before 11:30 tonight. I almost did it last night at 9:30 . Instead I ended up wrapping presents and cuddling Kody.

There I was lying face down on my bed, Kody in my arms and thought, "Sleep would be so nice right now. I'm definitely not into playing CoH or CoV - What's holding me back?" Instead I watched Jurassic Park 2 - Well, my favourite scenes - and futzed around in-game not really doing anything.

Then, I tried a Blood Elf and was actually having fun. I was having fun playing a game for the first time in awhile. Unfortunately, it was 1 AM and time for sleep.

Doing the research online in the WoWWiki has gotten me hyped. Definitely going to try a few Classes tonight and see what happens.

I think I'm a bad person...

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:16:00 +0000

I recently started adding old high school classmates to my fb out of an indescribable need for propriety. It's actually quite exciting to see where they are now and how others are coping with "Life."

For the most part, people seemed to have left Kingston and move don to bigger and better.

But, on thing seems pretty constant - Children. Many of my old high school classmates are married (or soon to be) and have children of their own. Although I am extremely happy for them...I realize that I have no desire for children. At all.

True, even if I wanted to have them I technically couldn't - Well I could but it would mean crossing a bridge I'd much rather not. On the other hand, I could adopt. Still, I can't have children naturally (without going "there").

And I seriously don't want any children. Maybe working with them for nearly nine years of my life has soured me? I truly abhor children en masse. A group of more than five children literally makes my skin crawl. I always used to joke that, after 8 years, most prisons let you out for good behaviour!

I'm happy with my cat and my jeep and my house and my super-smokin'-hot boyfriend. I've no desire for...Domesticity.

So, I hate...Well, not "hate." "Hate" is such a strong word. I...Dislike children (in groups of more than three). I don't like children and I've no desire nor want to settle down.

Does that make me a bad person?

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:13:00 +0000

Yeah, yeah.

Update(s) coming soon!

Chris Cornell rocked my world!

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:27:00 +0000

Okay: bri and I went to see Chris Cornell in Ottawa yesterday.

One word: Awesome.

This concert blew Nine Inch Nails outta the water! The crowd was mega hyped, the songs rocked - Cornell had us eating out of his hand, as did most of his band. Almost every song had us singing along with him and the crown sang most of Like A Stone which was pretty sweet. We were one of first people into the arena so we got right behind the gate/in front of the stage left. My left ear is still ringing.

My only complaint was that he pulled an Axl Rose and started an hour later, after the opening act. Id say the wait was worth it but if I went to see him again and he pulled that stunt I'd probably leave.

Highlights from the experience include:

* Getting lost twice on the way to Ottawa. It's a good thing my boyfriend is cute because he sucks as a Navigator. I still love him, though. :)

* A young woman behind us, probably in her early twenties, with huge breasts making eyes at the bassist and getting a response! I kept thinking, "Man, he's getting laid tonight."

* Getting my boyfriend a "precious" guitar pick by asking the huge, imposing security guard to grab one I couldn't reach. What is funny is that I had previously made fun of him for saying people would scramble for a small piece of plastic. Then I go out of my way to get him one. Meh. It made him happy. It was fun to see Bri's face when Chirs came out or when he was singing within arms reach on the bass speakers. Bri adores him, it's evident. (Sorta made me jealous.)

* Mr. Northmore singing along with every song. Almost.

All-in-all, I'd say that it was a pretty sweet concert.

This is Hunger Strike feat. Mat Joly Live in Hamilton on the 19th. The opening band sucked, but this give you an idea of the awesomeness.

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:36:00 +0000

Even though Brian suggested I take my time, I completed Dark Watcher's arc and received a buttload of XP for it, so, at 3 more bars to level, I hit 50 last night at 1 AM.

I wasn't too into sleep, as I had also tested the HEATs before crashing (and was excited) but I went to sleep at 1:21 AM.

I tossed and turned sleeping restlessly until 3ish...At 5:30 PM I awoke suddenly when I heard a loud crash and what sounded like shattering glass. (I had previously kicked Kody out for chewing on my feet through the comforter.) After the shatter sound I distinctly heard the scampering of little feet on my floor. Kody had climbed up onto either the window sill or the ledge in the shower and tipped over the glass bowl of flattened marbles that Mom gave me and the sea shells that Howie gave me. The bowl had shattered all across the bathroom (the only bathroom) and hallway floor! There were marbles and shards of glass everywhere! It's now 5:30 AM and I have to be up for work at 7 AM.

I thought maybe, if I left Kody locked in the basement, I could catch that last half hour. So I went back to bed, quite angry.

Within 5 minutes, Kody was scampering up and down the stairs to the basement. So, I got up and got the vacuum out. I went downstairs to throw out the largest shards of glass, Kody was hiding behind some boxes at the back of the basement looking at me with just his eyes showing. He knew he had been very bad. When I went to grab him and scold him he was very limp and just took it. As soon as I set him down he booted upstairs. Of course, I'm vacuuming and he's running around like crazy. Instead of risking something *else* breaking, I grabbed him and put him downstairs. He spit all over me and scratched me. So now I'm even more angry at him.

Finally, I get the mess cleaned up and lay back in bed, after leaving him in the basement.

I don't understand why he did it; he hates the bathroom and avoids it like the plague - Unless he's doing his "rounds." Was he just curious? Was he bored and needed something to do? Am I not entertaining him enough?

When I got up at 7 after tossing and turning for an hour, he was understandably meek. I ignored him for the whole hour I was at home and left for work with my bedroom, bathroom and study door closed; no toys left out.

I'm *still* pissed off.

We were meant to live for so much more...Have we lost ourselves?

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:57:00 +0000

As I was sorting the mail today I came across an envelope addressed to me but with a Commercial Door Systems address. The envelope had no return address and the writing was scribbled in extremely bad penmanship. It almost appears as if it was written by a child.

However, I knew immediately who it was from.

It's from my Grandmother.

Grandma Margie.

When I was in 1st Year at Guelph, Grandpa Ken had just sold his business and was hoping to retire to a life of leisure. He and Grandma Margie were in the process of moving across Sydenham Lake to a smaller, newly renovated home. After nearly 55 years in the same house, it was time to down-size. I went to help them move a bed, one day. It was a large bed to go in a too small room. But, Grandma Margie had her vision of how the house was laid out so it had to go in there. Dad, Jeff and I had a few suggestions as did Grandpa Ken. Grandma Margie was adamant.

A few months later, I heard from Nana that Grandpa Ken was gone. He simply left. The country.

Looking back, I can clearly see that the signs were there. My brother stayed at their house once when he was little. He came home regaling us with stories of how Grandpa Ken had a bed and TV at work in his office "in case he worked overtime." Grandma Margie used to say that "Ken sometimes comes home really late and he leaves really early in the morning." She was controlling and obsessive. It was her way or the highway.

Now, we know that he had been seeing his secretary for 20 years. When he disappeared, he moved to Florida and did some soul-searching. Upon return, he divorced Grandma Margie. I heard she received a nice settlement.

She was livid. She became a recluse and blamed everyone and everything but herself. She spoke rudely to Mom, Dad, me my brothers, Nana - Anyone who tried to help. She tried taking up hobbies like kayaking...Until she broke her leg wrestling it into the water. A year ago she had a nasty fall in the winter trying to get a Christmas Tree down from the rafters in her garage. occasionally, she sends angry letters that are meant to invoke sympathy or depressive letters asking us to visit her.

Dad tries to talk to her; of her two sons he is the only one to make the effort. But, she has weird moods and perhaps a heavy drinking problem. She dug a deep grave when Grandpa Ken left her and I think she's realizing now that she might not be able to get out.

Anyways, back to the letter.

Obviously, it's meant to be a Birthday card, although she hasn't written anything other than my birth date and her name in the card. The card came inside two envelopes. The first was addressed to my parents new apartment:

Mr. Mark Collins
220 Smugglers Rd.
Kingston, Ont.

OR

Penthouse
Ontario Str.
Kingston, Ont.

Which has been crossed out. That envelope was inside another that read:

Mr. Mark Collins
(Commercial Door - crossed out) Overhead Door Installers
639A Justus Dr.
Kingston, Ont.

I feel sorry for her. She has no idea about my coming out, Brian, my new house, my cat. And, perhaps, it's for the best.

Grandpa Ken is extremely happy with his girlfriend. When I came out to him this past Father's Day he was more than accepting. I think he's realized after 55 years of a miserable marriage that you're nothing unless you're happy. He's happy that I'm happy.

Life is weird.

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 13:02:00 +0000

Yeah, I'm still alive. Barely.

What's been happening since the last entry...?

Still leveling my Hero, currently grinding away at lvl 43. Peacebringers and Warshades are still my ultimate goal. It would be nice to have them by my birthday and hopefully before i13 is released. However, I find leveling Blueside tedious and slow; every contact you receive asks you to go back or forward three zones to do one mission and then return to them for your next mission. Redside, you enter a zone and you pretty much stay within that zone while you level. It's extremely convenient and makes the odd inter-zone mission not that bad.

Halloween was...Interesting. The costumes my boyfriend and I dressed up in worked great - He was Axel Rose and I was Slash. Most people walking to the Queer event got it without being told. One guy, a Russian dressed as a cowboy, knew right off the bat. I won't touch the Russian dressed like a cowboy cliche... Unfortunately, most people at the Queer event did not get the costumes. Completely lost on most of them; I was told I looked like a Ramone or Howard Stern. Bri and I arrived at around 11 PM and left at 11:45. The party seemed empty and the music wasn't very dancing conducive. We completely missed most of my our friends which was sad. Apparently, they were there - We just didn't see them.

Walking home, we decided to try and be a little more active in the community. Just hanging out with each other is fun, but seeing and interacting with others is fun, too. And I admit, I miss Bryan&Ryan and Howie&Neil quite a bit. I miss the "good old times." That's another reason why I'm excited for my birthday...

Originally I was going to have dinner at Panda Garden Buffet and then move downtown to Tango's for some martini's (because I love martini's and it's been a year or so since I had one). However, Tango's isn't cheap. Instead, dinner will be at Panda Garden and then drinks at my house. Most of the people I invited can't make it due to distance and/or other plans. Just inviting them and letting them know they are completely welcome is enough. A few will be able to make it which is awesome! Can't wait to see Bry&Ry again!

Also: Showing off my house. ;)

And then there's work. Sigh - Work. The door industry is crazy right now with builders, contractors and homeowners scrambling to get their openings closed for winter. Many people don't realize that this is a busy time of year and essentially expect us to grab garage doors out of our ass or something. usually by 9 AM when Mom comes in I've dealt with several unruly customers, answered the phone more times than I can count (my phone recorded 20 calls in 30 minutes one day) and still managed to maintain a more or less bright outlook. Once Mom arrives...That exterior flies right out the window. One of the problems is that Mom doesn't answer the phone; she sits there, doing God-knows-what (although she claims she is doing financing) barking orders at me while I'm scrambling for the phone, to help customers, to get my own work done - Basically to maintain my own sanity. The little trinkets that Brian encouraged me to bring to work to make my desk more friendly do absolutely nothing. My poor monk, meant to carry the stresses and strains of my day on his broad shoulders, can't do much for the stress this workplace generates.

I've never worked in a more stressful environment that is only compounded by my Mother's approach to stress (sharing it) and work ( as frantically as possible). No wonder Tracey, the previous secretary, was as manic and abrasive as she was as the day wore on. Tracey says that "that is just her (Mom) way." Well, her way sucks!

But, it's not just her: Customers, too, can be unruly, argumentative, superior, rude, stand-offish and demanding. It's no wonder that I've been coming to work later and later as the weeks were on (counted in minutes, not hours). Subconsciously, my ID is grabbing every available handhold on my way to work to keep me form getting here.

*sigh*

The Dark

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 12:25:00 +0000

When I was little, I was always afraid of the dark: The things that go bump in the night, the shadows on the wall, the crawlies creeping under my bed, the dark depths of my basement and the monsters lurking in my closet. Movies like "Labyrinth" and "The Witches" fueled my fears. I would hide under my sheets at bedtime lest the goblins or witches should get me. I used to have an intense fear of sleeping on my back; I was afraid I'd be mummified in my sleep or, perhaps, if a bad guy broke in, he would catch me lying on my back and kill me.

However, as I matured in University and afterward, I grew to enjoy the dark. I played computer in the dark, I watched movies in the dark. It's soothing and quiet. All your fears and worries are washed away and everyone is the same in the dark. Disembodied voices speaking to each other without prejudice or preconceived notions based on appearance.

I know now that if there's anything under my bed, it's probably Kody. And if it isn't then, "Great! Means I'll get a full night's rest!" Perhaps it is because my house is smaller than the ones I grew up in, but I find my dark house to be quite peaceful and calming. Or perhaps it is because I know that Kody stalks the hallway and rooms...He knows each nook and cranny better than I do and if anything is out of place...He'll definitely let me know.

I love the dark. Don't you?

Still here!

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 12:15:00 +0000

Yeah, I'm still alive. I've been meaning to blog for quite sometime now.

To summarize the last three to four weeks: I read Slash's autobiography, "Slash with Anthony Bozza." "Slash" of course being the titular guitarist for Guns 'N Roses back in the late '8o's to early '90's. I was duly impressed; Slash is really well read and quite intelligent. I love autobiographies and biographies. I've read Simon Powell's (for school - otherwise I would have never read it) and Bruce Campbell's (numerous times). Slash has lived a colourful and drug-adled life that is so far removed from my own life experiences it nearly boggled my mind. I'm really not a fan of GNR but I highly recommend the book to anyone who enjoys reading. Although I don't like GNR's music, I can certainly appreciate it more after reading all the drama and debauchery involved in the making of each (major) song played on the radio.

Two of my very good friends recently broke up. They've been together for nearly nine years; I was very sad to see that it ended. I was using them as a sort of model for my own life: A gay relationship that has lasted for so long is quite an achievement - As any relationship that lasts so long is these days. I've lost touch with them since they moved to Ottawa but my thoughts are with them everyday during this difficult time.

I was finally able to start a Hero in City of Heroes about three weeks ago. It took quite awhile to get to the coveted level 20 but once I did I really started to get going. I went with Scrapper because the Archetype is as close to the Villain's archetypes I could get. In fact, my concept is ex-Villain. I think it's funny because, even playing Heroes, I can't escape my love for Villains. I'm very nearly level 35. My ultimate aim is a Peacebringer or Warshade. I mostly solo except the occasional Task Force or Giant Monster; soloing is quite slow and not having a supergroup to use base teleporters (or people to talk to) makes zoning and leveling slower than Redside. But, I'm determined to at least hit level 40. Once I do, I'm going to slow down. Not for me, but for Brian. I'm beginning to think he's feeling ignored and forgotten.

Finally, I'll leave you with one of my most favourite songs. I'm not really sure why, but it's always spoke to me.

"Ahead by a Century"
by Trajically Hip

First we'd climb a tree and maybe then we'd talk
Or sit silently and listen to our thoughts
With illusions of someday casting a golden light
No dress rehearsal, this is our life
That's when the hornet stung me and I had a feverish dream
With revenge and doubt tonight we smoke them out

You are ahead by a century

Stare in the morning shroud and then the day began
I tilted your cloud, you tilted my hand
Rain falls in real time and rain fell through the night
No dress rehearsal, this is our life

That's when the hornet stung me and I had a serious dream
With revenge and doubt tonight, we smoked them out

You are ahead by a century
But this is our life and disappointing you getting me down

Is there cake?

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 12:00:00 +0000

I'd never understood the "cake" reference on the Official City of * Forums before. When I was on Liberty, my old SG leader would always say he wanted "tacos." He'd sign in and broadcast in chat, "Tacos?" and people would answer, "I like Tacos!" or "I want Tacos!" I guess I just assumed "cake" was similar.

But it's not. "Cake" and "Is there cake?" is actually a reference to another game. A single-player, first person action/puzzle game called "Portal."

Portal is a very odd game that places you in the body of Chell, an android of sorts who must complete nearly impossible puzzles in a fully 3D world using a "Portal Gun." Your incentive for completing these task is "cake" and a party in your name. Your only companion through the 19 tests is an increasing psychotic computer AI. The experimental Portal Gun device allows the user to place an Entrance and an Exit portal on nearly any surface. These portals give you access to the x, y and z axis. Need to jump a large pit (full of acid)? Place an Entrance portal beside you and one on the opposite wall and walk through. No jumping. No running. And no searing, skin-peeling acid bath.

The premise may seem simple, but the game progressively becomes much harder. There is no experience akin to leaping through a portal, falling twenty feet and then jumping a 30 foot chasm on the same leap. Not to mention the physics involved in switching directions twice! Brian and I picked up our copy yesterday afternoon and by 7:30 we were hooting and hollering after figuring out a particularly gravity-defying puzzle. At one point, Bri asked me, "How'd you do that?" I was so dizzy I said, "I...Don't...Know! But, wasn't that cool?"

The game is pretty awesome. Unfortunately, there is no cake. The cake is a lie.

****

Brian and I spend the weekend just hanging out. Saturday, we took a flying trip to the cottage to get Bri one the bikes that aren't being used in storage there; his old bike was dying a slow, painful death - three years ago! The bike we picked up wasn't the one I had in mind, but it will do, I think. He seems happy with it - And when Brian is happy, I'm happy.

When we got back to Kingston, we stopped off at my parents' house to pick up my laundry. Now that Brian (my little brother) has all his housemates, I can't be doing my laundry down there anymore. I've been giving it to Mom to do for about a month. The good news is: Once Mom and Dad move into their new apartment I'll get Mom's (really cool) front load washer and dryer. And a tan leather couch. As we were leaving, Dad came back from work (he works on Saturday mornings, sometimes). Dad helped Brian and I adjust the handle bars. I'm extremely happy that Dad and Mom, Dad especially, are so accepting of Brian. It means a lot that they acknowledge our relationship and shows how far they've come in the two years since I came out.

As I was explaining to Brian last night while doing the dishes (he cooks, I clean): Even though my job pretty much sucks, my weekends spent with him more than make up for the crappy weekdays. Although, by Wednesday I won't think that. Hey! We can't all enjoy our jobs!

All things considered, despite the persistent rain, I had a great weekend.

Burned Out

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 12:43:00 +0000

I've been feeling really burned out in the MMO I play lately. City of Heroes/Villains has been a big part of my life for the last three years: It's a hobby, an escape from the rigors of Real Life, a pastime, a way to connect to people of like-minded interests that I can't find locally. However, in throwing myself headlong into the community - Forums, online socializing, offline messaging - I've begun to realize that many of the same racist, right-wing fascist, gun-toting, anti-homosexual, Yay! Patriotism and boo everyone else people are just as prevalent here as they were in the Counter-Strike Community. Those selfsame people turned me off to Counter-Strike for similar reasons. Now, when I turn on CS for a little gameplay in the name of memory...I rarely last more than one round. All those asshats and their sh*t come flooding back at me.

Even before Bri got me that new sweetness of a monitor, I was losing interest. Getting that new monitor helped reinvigorate me to play and I enjoyed it. For awhile.

Recently, I've been repeatedly Mod-Smacked on the Official Forums for things I've said and should know better than to say in an online community with a PG-13 Rating. Brian reminded me that these Moderators are paid to monitor the forums 9-5 daily for posts or threads that may violate the Rules of Conduct. Me being mod-smacked is just them doing their jobs. But, sometimes, I can't help but feel that certain Mods are out to get me. Or, perhaps I feel as if they could be a little more...Human in their Moderating capacity and a little less "Here I am, doing my job."

Like, yesterday, I posted in a 9/11 Memorial thread. Now, previously, I had posted my own 9/11 Memorial thread in my home server Section and posted a simple, three line memorial. I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out the best, most diplomatic way of saying how I felt. And, 10 minutes spent thinking about how to word a simple post on an online forum is about eight minutes too long, in my opinion. But, I wanted to show that, even though I'm Canadian, I can appreciate something as important as 9/11 to the Americans. Anyways, then I jumped over to the CoHGuru forums and posted in their 9/11 Memorial thread. I didn't repost what I'd already said on the Official forums, but a I posted a "where I was when it happened" response.

Fast forward to the afternoon and a Moderator posts an "Official" post about 9/11 for any members of the community who wish to respond. Since I'd already posted twice on the subject I tried to be original. I talked about how many people post-9/11 believed that perhaps the WTC Tragedy wasn't a tragedy at all; Perhaps it was a conspiracy, or a not-so coincidence related to Bush's election. I went on to talk about how it went over so well, according to some veteran's I had talked to, as a military coop. I concluded by pointing out that, although it went over well, it didn't cause the disparity that the terrorists had hoped. Instead, it unified not only the Americans, but the world. It's too bad all those people had to die, but the final result has been most favourable.

I thought I was being tasteful and very objective.

I guess people didn't see it that way. A few members of the community responded harshly to my post. While I was writing a response, after I had changed my post because the intent was lost on most people apparently, a Moderator PM-ed me and thanked me for changing my post. So, instead of starting sh*t in the thread, I posted my response to the Moderator. I never got a response. I would have settled for a simple, "Well, I can see your view but it may have been to controversial for a memorial thread" or something to that affect.

Instead, silence. If the Mod can take time to thank me for my edit, you would think they could take time to acknowledge my original intent! Things like this frustrate me to no end. And depress me beyond how it should affect me. I was utterly depressed last night; Thank god Bri was there!

Perhaps a week break, or a month...or a permanent break is necessary? Or maybe I should stop posting in forums and just play the game? At this point, I'm so frustrated and pissed off to decide what to do. For now, I cancelled my account which expires September 29th.

9/11

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:06:00 +0000

I was getting ready for class, in my Second Year at Guelph.

I came out of the (communal) shower and my RA (Resident Assistant) said, "Did you here the Twin Towers were bombed?"

Steve was a real joker so I scoffed and assumed he was pulling my leg. It wasn't until I turned on my PC and was catching up on news that I realized it was for true. The rest of the week, students and Profs alike spent most classes and in-between classes crowded around TV screens.

It was seriously scary stuff. Most of the time I felt like I was dreaming and in some weird disaster movie. Some of my friends' parents or relatives worked in NY.

I distinctly remember being afraid that they'd bomb Pickering (Nuclear Power Plant) and remove the lower half of Southern Ontario.

I remember.

I commend those that help with the recovery.

My thoughts are with those who lost...and are lost.

AdBlock This!

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 12:59:00 +0000

Modern civilization is bombarded daily and even hourly by advertising. It's on our radios and televisions, our buses and buildings; it's in our magazines, newspapers and books; we listen to them while on hold or watch them zip by while standing on the subway. It's so pervasive on the internet that it almost chokes our visual spectrum. Ads have so permeated our online gaming experiences as to demand categorization: advergaming.

Studies have shown that the average American sees anywhere between 247 to 3000 advertisements per day and the industry spends $620 billion to get those advertisements to us.

What does this mean to our society? The full implications of daily and hourly advertising hasn't yet been determined.

But, for me it's become my obsession to avoid them as much as possible. Driving to work today I purposefully ignored the blue Vote Conservative! signs that our local representative had his interns place every fifty feet on Sir John A. Macdonald Blvd. I spend minutes of my time surfing the internet using Firefox's AdBlock Add-on so that I can read my blogs or look at my porn or post on my forums ad-free. Recently, my parents started using a service on the Whig-Standard website that would randomly insert and advertisement for their business everytime the main page loads. Thing is, I never see them. I have all ads and iFrames blocked on that site so I can read my local news without being visually distracted. Unfortunately, in blocking all these ads, I'm not supporting the services I use...

And my answer to that? Too-freaking-bad.

8 ft. Tall and made of Stone

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 12:55:00 +0000

This past weekend, Bri and I were planning on going to Ottawa Pride. However, finances - Or lack thereof - determined that we couldn't afford it. So, we stayed in Kingston.

We spent most of the weekend playing our new Villains in City of Villains. We're both playing dual Electrical Melee/Stone Armor Brutes. Bri has an awesome concept and I have an okay one. I've always liked the look of Elec Melee and wanted a Stone Brute (Because they can take massive amounts of damage). With XP smoothing, Beginner's Luck and some awesome PUGs we've managed to hit 24 in four days. We should be laughing at 32 by Friday at least! Hello Lightning Rod! If all this lingo means nothing to you, then, yes, we're geeks.

We took a break on Saturday to go to Panda Garden for some Chinese food. I love Chinese! So good!

My Fortune Cookie was "Every truly great accomplishment is at first impossible (in bed)." So true!

This weeks goals: Haircut, hit 32, hang with Brian, survive another week of work.

Green Grass

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 12:03:00 +0000

The 21st century is a surreal time for privacy and social interaction. What do I mean? Well, in a society in which all someone needs to find out your address is to get your home phone number or simply look at your Facebook Profile - People go to great lengths to protect their privacy in the offline realm. Yet, online, information rarely divulged is common knowledge: Address, house number, cell phone number, MSN contact, shoe size, pant size and even penis size is easily accessible. The possibilities for identity theft and exploitation are limitless. But most of these same people trust their fellow man (or woman) to preserve some semblance of privacy. Perhaps you saw your boss in the Toronto room of Gay.com or maybe you stumbled across a profile of someone you know on an online hook-up site? Those people assume you won't tell others and give you the same courtesy.

Comparatively, people seem hesitant to divulge their personal, innermost thoughts in the public sphere and yet some people maintain a universally accessible online journal or blog. Here, they may describe intimate, and sometimes compromising, facts, observations or opinions about everything from life to love to co-workers to employers...Regardless of whether those selfsame tidbits of information are private or public knowledge

Conversely, more conservative-minded people give just enough information to keep readers returning for more, without giving away the ending. Usually, these people don't belittle themselves by confessing controversial information for the purpose of maintaining a strong readership. These are the bloggers that are worth reading. Individuals who possess such a powerful and unique outlook on life that they cannot help but articulate life lessons to the planet...Not for some base desire to entertain - But simply to be heard. To help others be better people.

Sometimes, these people can seem larger-than-life. Reaching a sort of celebrity status, their seemingly glamorous life can lay a shadow over our own, make our lives seem drab and mundane.

Recently, I started to experience this situation. I began reading a daily blog and started to feel as if my life were boring compared to the blogger's. However, in stumbling across an example of base, instinctual need...I realize that celebrity can seem grandiose and expansive. Someone else's life may appear more exciting - Perhaps it is - But, we often forget that the celebrity is a person, too. Celebrities eat, they sleep, they love and they lose. Just like everyone else (but maybe differently).

Just because the grass looks greener on the other side...Doesn't usually mean it is...

(Unless it's my neighbour's lawn! How does a lawn turn brown with all this rain?!)

Cottage Sunday

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 11:31:00 +0000

Taking a page from Davey Wavey's Book of Life: I'm completely content with my life right now. Work is rough...But who's job isn't?

Personally, I'm happy with where I am socially. Happy with how I spend my free time, whether playing PC, with Kody the Cat or with Mr. Northmore.

He and I went to the cottage yesterday (much to Dad's boundless happiness). although we didn't swim - Bri doesn't swim anywhere there are fish! - We had a pretty good day. Coming home to Kody was great, too.

And, I have a new word: Bandomology courtesy of Alan Cross.

The Perfect Drug

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:44:00 +0000

Another NiN song that's been stuck in my head of late (although I keep forgetting to listen to the .mp3 on my PC) is "The Perfect Drug." Brian says Trent doesn't like this song, especially the music video. I think the video is great, but Bri says Reznor feels it is "convoluted."

I very much consider Trent Reznor a true artist, like David Bowie. He's in it for the expression not the money. That makes him great, in my eyes.

The Perfect Drug
I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die

and I want you

you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug

you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart

my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me

take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the piece

And, for your viewing pleasure, the music video.

Closer to God

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 13:46:00 +0000

For some reason, every time I've laid down to go to sleep since NiN, "Closer" has been stuck in my head. I'm posting the lyrics here, mostly for my own reference.

You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you

I broke apart my insides
I've got no soul to sell
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away

I wanna fuck you
I wanna taste you
I wanna feel you
I wanna be you
Just like an animal

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have absence of faith
You can have my everything

You tear down all my reason
You see through what I hide
You make me perfect
Help me get inside
I wanna fuck you
I wanna taste you
I wanna feel you
I wanna be you

I think the song is stuck in there (my head) because, when Trent sang the song, everyone at the ACC started singing with him. Its one of his more popular songs and it seems to resonate with a lot of people.

Two-word descriptions

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:01:00 +0000

Where is your cell phone? My pocket.
Your significant other? Rocks me.
Your hair? Pleasantly mussed.
Your mother? The Devil.
Your father? Pretty cool.
Your favorite thing? PC, Brian
Your dream last night? Mostly sex.
Your favorite drink? Diet Coke.
Your dream/goal? Live happily.
The room you're in? Work office.
Your ex? Are numerous.
Your fear? Financial insecurity.
Where do you want to be in 6 years? More secure.
Where were you last night? At home.
What you're not? Ummm, straight?
Muffins? Yes, please.
One of your wish-list items? New desk.
Where you grew up? Small town.
The last thing you did? Office work.
What are you wearing? Casual dress.
Your TV? Isn't connected.
Your pets? Kody Cat.
Your computer? Needs graphics.
Your life? Pretty good.
Your mood? Frustrated, tired.
Missing someone? Yes, always.
Your car? Jeep Liberty.
Something you're not wearing? A watch.
Favorite Store? Doesn't matter.
Your summer? Is awesome.
Like someone? Love someone.
Your favorite color? Red works.
Last time you laughed? This morning.
Last time you cried? Too long.
Last time you danced? See above.

Thanks to Jason for this!

Toronto

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 13:23:00 +0000

Brian and I went to Nine Inch Nails in Toronto yesterday. This was my first live concert ever. It was quite the experience.

I worked half a day and we hit the 401 at about 2 PM. The trip there was uneventful and we moved a steady pace. Once we got to Toronto, following my MapQuest-ed and CAA directions, we circumvented the Air Canada Centre (ACC). We were just off the Don Valley Parkway, we could see the ACC, we just couldn't get near it. Extremely annoying. Especially for me, the driver. I abhor traffic and not knowing where I'm going - T-dot streets are less than intuitive.

When we finally got parked, after running across the street to use a bank machine because the Parking Attendant would only accept bills; it started to pour. And it rained almost the entire time we were there. Like a newb, I forgot to put my umbrella back in my Jeep the last time it rained.

Traffic and weather aside, the trip itself was quite the adventure. originally, we had intended to get our ears pierced (I've wanted my right ear pierced since Pride 2008) but the rain sort of put the kibosh on that plan. We ended up walking up to the Eaton Centre, hitting a LoneStar for supper and just exploring the Train Station and the ACC.

The concert itself was pretty amazing. Trent Reznor more than just sings when he's on stage...His concerts are a performance. About an hour into the show, the band plays a jazzy, acoustic set taken mostly from Ghosts I - IV. The show itself also features mesh LED curtains that project various visuals, ranging from falling rain to static and make the band appear to be playing on "a stage that appeared to be constructed entirely out of lights."

It's a pretty amazing experience. Although, Bri and I weren't really in the right position to fully experience the light show. Our seats were off the right-hand side of the stage so we were looking at the mesh LEDs from the side. at that angle, many of the pictures that the three screens made were lost on us. Still, it was pretty amazing.

The tickets were great, bought by Brian back in February. VIP entrance, no lines, about six rows back from the rink and stage. I'm definitely happy Brian was able to get them and grateful he was there during the drive and in Toronto. Brian is my comfort zone and when I would momentarily lose him, like in the mall - Well, Brian said it was a cute look.

The trip back was very similar to the stress of Toronto, except mixed with tiredness, rain and night driving. I'm glad I live in small-town Kingston.

Time Flies...

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 13:33:00 +0000

They say time flies when you're having fun...I often forget just how fast it does! Sometimes, throughout my day, I stop and think, "Wow! Look where i am now!" I have a Jeep, a house, a cat, a boyfriend - A boyfriend, not a girlfriend like everyone expects, even me - friends, I'm out and I have a steady job. I think, "Jeez, two years ago I never would have thought I'd be here. And yet, here I am!

It's mind-boggling to think how far I've come from the depressed, recluse I was back at University. I look at where I am now and I'm content. It's true, there is always room for improvement, but at the same time, I'm just...Happy.

:)

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:09:00 +0000

Yeah, I'm real dedicated to this blog! The last blog I posted almost daily in...I find that now that I'm accepting of my sexuality and don't doubt myself all the time, I have less to work out. Which means I have less to say.

Bryan has just been posting pictures and random, short and infrequent "musings" on his blog. I may end up doing that.

Total lack of inspiration!

Should be posting more...

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 14:01:00 +0000

It's been almost a week since I've posted! If I'm going to keep this up, I need to be a little more dedicated than this!

Anyways...HUGE weekend with Mr. Northmore. First, it was Grandpa Ken's suprise 75th Birthday out at his place on Saturday. I took Brian, with Ilka's blessing. I'm really happy he was there. We weren't overly affectionate, but if any of those people that were there had any practical sense they would have realized that we were a couple. Which is fine by me. I was there for Grandpa Ken and to spend time with Bri.

On Sunday, we were supposed to walk downtown and check out the Busker's Rendezvous, but we both felt a little icky. Instead, we chatted on MSN all day while playing our respective MMO's. I surprised him on Sunday night by 'blading over to his house. We rolled around my neighbourhood for awhile - him on his bike, me on my 'blades.

Monday, we hung out at my house and had the take-out cake Ilka gave us from Saturday. I was pretty stressed at work yesterday because of financial strain and I was late for work and I was exhausted. It was definitely great to see him. I feel bad that I won't be able to afford him a gift on his Birthday because of said financial issues. This coming weekend will be crazy busy.

Kody, what's wrong?

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:03:00 +0000

That's what I asked him last night, as I sat at my computer and he walked around the kitchen in continuous circles. Turns out, he had gotten his lower jaw snagged on his little collar, one of his lower incisors poking through the collar. He wasn't making any noises, but he was certainly in distress. After I removed it and cuddled with him, comforting and calming him - He wouldn't let me out of his sight. It was really rather cute; but, I was really worried.

One of the reasons I wanted Kody to wear a collar is that, should he somehow get outside, most people look for a collar before they feel for a microchip. Not to mention that he would look cute as a button with a red collar and his name on a tag!

* * * *

I didn't sleep too well last night because of the heat. Even though I'm sleeping until my alarm again now that I've denied Kody access to my room at night - I'm still not waking up feeling rested. If it isn't my dreams, it's the heat. These next few weeks will be really busy with grandpa Ken's Surprise 80th and Brian's birthday next weekend. Not to mention Double XP weekend in City of Villains! I really need to start getting a full night's rest. I wonder if Kody would let me snooze after work...?

Sleeplessness

noreply@blogger.com (Antares) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 12:30:00 +0000

I've been having weird, wild dreams of late. They aren't nightmares, which is good, but they are pretty screwed up! Like really off-the-wall things - Offices with no floors, rooms without gravity that open into pink skies filled with silver water creatures that float on the winds. Windows that melt and locker room showers that contain pools and Greek baths.

I'm talking real Salvador Dali stuff, here! The worst part is, I wake up feeling like I've run a marathon (which I sometimes do!).

Poor Kody, was chirruping a greeting to me this morning and I'm walking around like a zombie doing my morning routine. It wasn't until halfway through my shower that I felt more or less awake.

I need some caffeine.